Airport
Welcome to another typical Facebook travel blog. Come along to embrace the enviousness. Plan the dream holiday you will absolutely never regret. Pee in one time zone, poo in another. Clap for a pilot who gets paid for using an auto-pilot. Try the local delicacy: buttered racoon buttocks dipped in BBQ sauce. Holiday photos? Check out my last five posts on insta to get a sense of the stunning landscapes. You WILL quit your job and go on travelling full-time after reading this!!!
Okay, enough of this bullshit, you want to know what my travels are like? Take a look at my Travel Checklist so you can get a sense of the TRUE WONDERS I attract during my holidays. Enjoy…
7.00am – wake up too early
7.45am – have a breakfastdinner
8.05am – make a hot chocolate
8.25am – pack hand luggage efficiently
8.50am – check three times if everything is packed because you forgot to write a list
8.52am – find out there was a list
9.05am – set off to train station
9.07am – switch earphones on
9.11am – panic over irrational scenarios (e.g.: train station explodes, ticket disintegrates, unnoticed pigeon poo on coat, etc.)
9.14am – realise there is no need to rush
9.15am – rush anyway
9.29am – get on train, find most abandoned seats
9.37am – notice nearby passenger eating crisps loud
9.38am – turn up volume
9.56am – suffer moderate hearing loss
10.19am – change trains
10.29am – have next train delayed
10.30am – panic some more
10.36am – get on next train
10.45am – notice ticket inspector telling passengers drinking alcohol is not allowed on board
10.46am – notice the sound of a beer can getting opened
11.00am – arrive 3 hours before departure as requested by airline
11.02am – realise there is neither a queue nor a delay
11.03am – feel fed up (already)
11.05am – worry if you’re asked for a negative COVID test despite it’s no longer required (PTSD)
11.07am – worry no more
11.18am – wait until other passengers figure out how to place suitcases on a baggage carousel then complete self-check in
11.19am – try to remain calm
11.20am – proceed to security checks
11.30am – smile at passengers with priority boarding stuck in a long queue
11.58am – observe a passenger begging the Security Officer not to bin their home-made jam
11.59am – be casual and outgoing with the Security Officer (AKA Helpus Sometimesdumbus) while emptying hand luggage
11.59am – regret being casual
12.15pm – pack stuff away, try to ignore other passengers not respecting personal space
12.16pm – be annoyed by lazy security checks
12.17pm – wonder what if you had a bomb
12.19pm – realise you’re not that miserable or technical
12.20pm – wander around terminal, find something to do for two hours
12.38pm – walk around terminal for the 3rd time, hope you don’t look stupid
12.39pm – sit in a restaurant
12.40pm – try to ignore prices, place an order
12.43pm – rant about airports on Facebook
12.46pm – notice annoying child nearby watching cartoons too loud
12.48pm – notice annoying child’s annoying mother requesting an extra fork
12.50pm – notice annoying child’s annoying mother being the only one eating
12.53pm – notice annoying child’s annoying mother requesting an extra napkin
12.54pm – rant about weird people at airports on Facebook
12.59pm – receive food, eat very slowly to drag time
1.12pm – continue eating slowly
1.20pm – leave restaurant, find a seat somewhere, read a book
1.42pm – play sudoku (Extremely Hard difficulty)
1.52pm – fail finishing sudoku
1.53pm – go to gates
1.56pm – watch other passengers queuing up as if it meant the flight would then depart sooner
1.58pm – notice there are three queues leading to the same gate
1.59pm – find correct queue and await patiently
2.01pm – ignore others cutting in line
2.02pm – continue feeling fed up
2.12pm – board the aircraft
2.13pm – politely ask fellow passenger to fuck off from your pre-booked, expensive seat
2.20pm – politely decline fellow passenger’s request for swapping seats
2.27pm – politely confirm to another fellow passenger you cannot speak Hungarian
2.28pm – put on headphones, play sudoku (Extremely Hard difficulty)
2.42pm – pause music, listen to the safety instructions
2.45pm – resume music, pray this flight will not take more than 10 minutes
2.52pm – notice fellow passenger looking at your sudoku game
2.53pm – fail finishing sudoku
2.53pm – pretend music is so loud you can’t hear passenger talking to you
2.54pm – start regretting for not swapping seats
2.55pm – realise this flight is longer than 10 minutes
3.01pm – play sudoku (Easy difficulty)
3.38pm – notice passenger eating a whole cabbage
3.55pm – order a ham baguette with some hot chocolate
3.56pm – notice fellow passenger complaining about not being able to buy food with cash
3.59pm – seriously consider ordering alcohol... and some cabbage, if possible
4.03pm – notice fellow passenger changing their baby’s nappies in an empty seat
4.10pm – allow passenger sitting next taking photos of the clouds through your personal space
4.25pm – not-so-politely ask the cun- I mean fellow passenger to stop climbing into your aura
4.48pm – count passengers queuing for the loo (7 in total)
5.09pm – headphone unexpectedly runs out of battery
5.09pm – notice some nearby passengers singing a football chant
5.10pm – notice 4 empty beer cans on their tables
6.35pm (local time) – roll eyes back into your skull while passengers applaud the captain
6.39pm – observe passengers grabbing their belongings from the overhead lockers almost achieving the speed of light
6.40pm – observe passengers standing still in the aisle like a bunch of melons not achieving the speed of light
6.42pm – tell everyone on Facebook you’re safe, alive and very fed up
6.47pm – say thanks to the flight attendants for being the only nice people on board, get off plane
7.03pm – politely say hello to Border Force Officer
7.03pm – regret being polite
7.04pm – use ePassport gate
7.05pm – fail scanning your passport, follow miserable Border Force Officer’s orders and stand in a long queue
7.06pm – realise there is only one Border Force Officer checking all passports
7.37pm – start worrying about your luggage
7.52pm – reach peak fed up-ness
7.58pm – run to the baggage carousel
8.01pm – panic over not being able to locate luggage
8.03pm – locate luggage (not on baggage carousel)
8.04pm – notice the broken handle
8.05pm – proceed to exit
8.07pm – get a hot chocolate in the airport café
8.09pm – receive a cold chocolate
8.10pm – sulk
8.10pm – leave airport
8.12pm – tell everyone you’ll never fly ever again in your life
9th December 2022